What are the stages after a breakup for women and men? Psychology of parting: stages of breaking up 6 stages of parting.
If parting became inevitable and both partners decided to take this step, then most likely the question will be: "How to live and what to do?". Separation is a concept familiar to everyone. Family psychologists say that a person subconsciously sees it as a loss. At the same time, experiencing this loss, a person goes through certain stages of parting.
The first is the denial of reality
The ex-lover cannot accept and believe that they broke up with him, and that this separation is final and irreparable. He is still making plans and firmly believes that the breakup is just a stupid mistake and sooner or later everything will be the same as before. He thinks that the second half will call and say that everything will be fine and they will be together again. The first stage can last from three to five weeks to one and a half years.
The second is anger at a loved one
The stages of experiencing parting are not complete without anger, because the realization that a loved one has betrayed and abandoned cannot but carry this negative feeling. Resentment gradually turns into aggression, and the ex-partner is accused of unwillingness to maintain a relationship. Angry manifestations are purely individual, so some skip the second stage and go straight to the third.
Third - bargaining and hope for the best
Trying to renew the past relationship, a person begins to bargain with himself or a former partner. For example, going through the stages, a man sets himself a certain time frame (interval), during which he will have a chance to reconcile and renew relations with his partner. By creating such a time frame, he is trying to cope with separation and get used to a new state - loneliness.
Fourth - depression and apathy
Awareness of one's helplessness, and with it depression, comes when a person realizes that it is pointless to deny separation and nothing can be corrected. Negative thoughts gradually lead to despair, depression, apathy, insomnia, sadness. All these conditions are a completely natural reaction of the body to stress. They can be especially acute in the fourth and second stages of separation in women.
Fifth - life from scratch
Life goes on, gradually a person forgets old grievances, meets new people, stops living in the past. A second wind opens, and with it new plans, strengths and hopes for a brighter future appear.
Family psychologists say that the process of experiencing separation can last either three months or three years, it all depends on the nervous system of a particular person.
Factors and causes
The stages of acceptance of a breakup depend on many reasons and factors. Perhaps the most difficult thing here is nostalgia: at any moment, no matter how happy a person is, he can again plunge into memories. And if some people experience these nostalgic moments simply and with a smile, then others are again enveloped in despair, anxiety, sadness, regret and even anger.
Dealing with a loved one is very difficult. Parting is unbearable because it makes changes to the already familiar, established way of life. A lot also depends on who initiated the separation: if the ex-partner suggested it, then a feeling of inferiority and humiliation of one's own dignity is added to it. Thoughts that a loved one has neglected and betrayed are knocked out of the usual life rut.
The most important thing is all 5 stages of separation, try not to linger in any of them for more than two to four weeks. It is very important to put an end to relationships, stop thinking about them, start a new happy life.
The faster a person releases his beloved, stops calling, writing, seeing him, the faster and less painfully the stage of separation will pass. You should not be afraid of a new life and new relationships, trying on the sad patterns of the past: having let go, sooner or later you will find much-desired relief and spiritual freedom.
If you can’t get out of depression, psychologists advise you to analyze the relationship, while it is important to remember not only the negative, but also the positive moments, as well as what led to the breakup. It is very important to draw conclusions and prevent the repetition of mistakes in the future.
The unwillingness of the former partner to maintain friendly relations indicates a strong resentment that does not allow him to behave differently. In this case, it is worth thinking about what went wrong in the relationship.
with a man
The stages of parting in women are more pronounced emotionality and length. There are cases when the representatives of the weaker sex were in a depressed state after separation for more than ten years.
Psychologists advise girls in a particularly difficult situation to put on the mask of a successful lady, get used to this image and try to experience as many positive emotions as possible, being strong and independent.
By acting on this principle and as if living a difficult life period for another person, you can not only restore your peace of mind, but also find a new partner who can heal all spiritual wounds.
Another important factor in happiness is self-praise and admiration. It is no secret that it is quite difficult to love yourself again, experiencing separation. Self-love is the item without which the fifth stage cannot pass.
Forgiveness and acceptance
A very important point in the second stage of parting in men is the forgiveness of a former lover and the realization that she also has the right to personal happiness and life with another person. During this period, you should avoid negative memories, discussions with friends, and especially calls and messages with unpleasant text and reproach.
In order to survive this difficult life stage, you need to mentally let go of your ex-partner. Do not be humiliated and do not try to return it. After all, even if he agrees to resume communication, he will most likely do it out of pity.
The longer the love union was, the harder it is to survive separation and go through all the stages of separation. Psychology in this case offers a lot of trainings that can help solve the problem and not withdraw into yourself. For example, separation is a chance to fulfill an old dream, an opportunity to change jobs, move, start a new life. With a break in relations, no matter how sad it may sound, there is more time that you can take visiting museums, fairs, cinemas, theaters, sign up for various sections and master classes. The main thing during this period is not to sit at home and not succumb to despair.
The longer the worse
Surviving breakups after a long relationship is always more difficult than breaking up fleeting romances. In such a situation, psychologists advise not to despair and look at the situation from a different angle. Separation is a chance to start life from scratch, to accomplish everything that was simply impossible to decide before. Failure in your personal life is to reach heights in your career and become a true professional. This is the time of travel and fulfillment of desires. An opportunity to make a childhood dream come true, dance, learn how to make beautiful soap or assemble aircraft models.
Experiencing a break with a loved one, the main thing is not to become discouraged and not allow obsessive thoughts about loneliness. After all, communication with relatives, friends and colleagues cannot make up for the warmth, understanding and security that was before. No matter how interesting a person may be with an interlocutor, in his soul he understands that there will no longer be such pleasure as when communicating with a loved one.
Breaking up with the woman you love
Men experience breakups more acutely than women. Yes, in everyday life, the strong half of humanity is distinguished by endurance, willpower and firmness of character. But when it comes to breaking up relationships, especially if it happens suddenly, without reason and at the initiative of a woman, emotions appear very sharply. It is especially difficult to survive separation emotionally dependent on the second half of men. After all, addiction, according to psychologists, does not appear from love for your other half, but from self-hatred and the desire to fill the void inside with compliments and pleasant words.
Usually men are stingy with emotions and prefer to keep everything to themselves, which is why when adrenaline in the blood goes off scale and rage tries to get out, it is likely that the stages after parting in men will be accompanied by:
- drinking alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain;
- playing sports, sometimes until the body is completely exhausted;
- promiscuous sexual relations (a person is approved at the expense of others);
- driving a car or motorcycle at high speed.
Family psychologists say that the stronger sex reacts more sharply to the negative that happens in relationships, and this is due to the fact that the male psyche in such a situation is more receptive than the female.
Self love
The stages for men and women are about the same. In this difficult period, the main thing is to fall in love again and learn to respect yourself, because as we treat ourselves, others treat us the same way.
Having fallen in love and accepted himself, a person will be able to live on and meet someone with whom he shares his feelings.
Only after a while you can understand that the break was a necessity and the new relationship is much stronger and more joyful than the previous ones.
In order to go through all the stages of parting as painlessly as possible, psychologists recommend:
- enjoy every moment and rush to fill every second of your life with meaning, interesting events and new people;
- separation is something that every person goes through, so sometimes it’s just worth gaining strength and being patient;
- stop looking for flaws in yourself and consider that someone is better and more worthy than you;
- in no case do not write, call or pursue a former lover;
- remove the data of the former or former from social networks and the phone book, do not follow his / her life and do not communicate with mutual acquaintances;
- not to be alone, to visit as many interesting places as possible;
- sign up for fitness, swimming pool or sports club;
- learn something new;
- make interesting acquaintances, do not refuse dates;
- devote as much time as possible to interesting and important things;
- change the image, buy new clothes, perfumes, cosmetics, accessories.
The above tips are not only very simple and practical, but also effective.
You can also find interesting tips on how to get through the stages of a breakup on numerous forums.
To solve this problem, users are advised to adopt the following techniques:
- If the separation was initiated by the former, do everything so that he regrets that he left you.
- If the relationship is going downhill, break up first/first with your spouse.
- Be as confident as possible when meeting with mutual friends, they should not know that separation worries you.
- Stop feeling like a victim.
- Get involved in charity work.
- Learn to paint or sculpt with clay.
- Go through all the stages of separation as quickly as possible.
- Find out the truth about your relationship from the outside, perhaps in the future this will help you build a happy union.
- Change the scenery, start traveling.
- Stop feeling sorry for yourself. This advice especially applies to the stronger sex, because it is known that the stages of parting in men are much more difficult than in women.
- Draw conclusions and do not repeat your mistakes in the future.
It is important to remember that the views on relationships in men and women are very different. And therefore, only that union can successfully develop in which both partners pursue the same goal (for example, start a family) and are ready to listen to each other at any time and find a solution to the problem together.
With my beloved. Many people think that they do not experience experiences at all. And wild parties with friends are a kind of celebration of freedom from relationships. In fact, for a man, breaking up a relationship is no less painful process than for a woman. Parting is hard for them, but they do not show it.
Breakup stages
Guys, like girls, go through certain stages of separation. Some experience them easier, others more difficult. But to say that young people do not experience experiences is impossible. It’s just that the emotional passage of all stages by a man is slightly different from the state of a woman. In psychology, the following stages of separation are distinguished:
- Negation. It is human nature to subconsciously deny what happened too unexpectedly. Women at this stage suffer in the same way as they experience a breakup with a man's mistress. Guys also try to get the girl back by going to places where their lover might be, tracking her profile on social networks, etc. The stage of denial can last several months. All this time, the guy is waiting for his girlfriend to change her mind, call and return.
- Hatred. When a man comes to terms with the breakup, the stage of hatred for the one that caused so much pain begins. At this stage, he tries in every possible way to offend the ex-girlfriend, to spread gossip about her, to characterize her negatively in front of friends. Often this behavior is typical for a husband who has been abandoned by his wife. If the break with her husband was painful, then after a divorce, a man often pursues his ex-wife, preventing her from living in peace.
- Hope for the best. After accepting the breakup, the man moves either to the second stage, or immediately to the third. If the guy still continues to have feelings for the ex-girlfriend, and he does not have a new mistress, then after a certain period he tries to win the chosen one again. It would seem that the storm has passed, so you can start all over again.
- Depression. It seems that only women can go through a breakup for a long time and become depressed, regretting each of their lovers. However, apathy is also characteristic of men. When there is a realization that the beloved will no longer return, the guy becomes indifferent to everything around. He, too, can lie on the couch all day, seize stress with food and drink alcohol.
- New life. You can come to the realization that life does not end with the departure of loved ones in a few years. Some manage to forget about the gaps after 2-3 months. How a man experiences a breakup depends on his character. But gradually the grievances are forgotten, the depression passes, the man begins to be interested in new acquaintances. It happens that a guy gets himself a mistress in order to forget about his former passion, and a new relationship quickly develops into true love.
How do men deal with breakups?
The degree of male chagrin, of course, depends on the depth of feelings experienced by him in relation to the second half. If the relationship was short-lived and fragile, then the separation is perceived by the guys easily. But a man who broke up with a loved one will certainly suffer.
Women, looking at the stronger sex, doubt whether men experience a breakup at all. Psychologists say that it is even harder for a man than for a woman. It's just that the girl does not hide her emotions, she tells everyone how she experienced a break with her lover, how she suffered, etc. And the male character does not allow the guy to show his weaknesses and feelings when breaking up with a girl.
Guys are stingy with emotions, they keep everything to themselves. However, this state cannot last long. If a woman finds an outlet for her emotions in tears and tantrums, then a man goes into all serious trouble. When a young man experiences mental pain, he prefers to drown it out with alcohol. To escape from longing, he begins to engage in extreme sports or goes headlong into a hobby. And promiscuous sexual relations with mistresses help not only to survive the ended relationship, but to assert themselves.
For guys, this is important, because after the departure of their girlfriend, they subconsciously think that something is wrong with them. And if the former directly says that she is unhappy with the guy, then this is a huge stress for him. So that they do not worry about this and prove to themselves their “competitiveness”, the guys find temporary girlfriends. Husbands are the hardest in such situations. Having gained freedom, they follow the same path as the young guys.
Men who have experienced a painful breakup are dangerous to mess with. Sometimes they do even more stupid things than women. Experience the gap and you will understand how sometimes you want to take revenge on the person because of whom you are experiencing so much torment. So men, experiencing and suffering, are ready to take revenge at any cost and prove to former passions that they are in order. An offended guy may well start a relationship to spite his ex-girlfriend and even marry a new darling. And all this to prove that everything is fine with him.
Dealing with a breakup is hard. Not only is it difficult to realize and accept the fact that you are no longer with your loved one, but it is also unbearably difficult to cope with the pain of breaking up a relationship.
But breaking up is a process. And like any process, parting has stages through which a person goes. There is a common expression: time cures". But it is not time that heals, but more or less correct passage through all the necessary stages of living a parting. In the case of a normal living of all stages, a person comes to his senses after some time and returns to life. If there is a fixation on some stage or the stage was lived incorrectly, then you can suffer for a long time.In this article I will describe everything 6 stages of experiencing a breakup, which will help you understand how people experience parting and breaking up relationships.
First, we will list all the stages to make it easier for you to navigate through them.
And now we will describe each stage in more detail and give exercises for analyzing and understanding our behavior at each of these stages.
- 1. Stage of denial
The stage of denial is characterized by such feelings, thoughts and sensations as: avoidance, fear, numbness, accusation, misunderstanding. Denial is the cry of the soul "nooo"! This "no" reveals the oldest and most habitual defense of the psyche - denial. Its meaning is to cope with the difficult to bear pain of losing a loved and important person, as well as with the loss of the integrity of one's personality. This stage can be compared to the loss of any part of your body. And denial acts on the psyche as a painkiller through persuasion "it's not, it didn't happen".
Denial has several options:
We can deny the loss itself: sometimes it happens in the form - we still meet, we just decided to see each other less often, and sometimes (in pathological cases) - a complete denial of the breakup.
We can deny the irreversibility of the loss: for example, no, he (she) is still with me, we just decided to take a break in the relationship in order to improve it, sort out our feelings and be together again.
We can deny that the loss has happened to us: the most common form of this kind of parting denial is "I don't believe this happened to me"
We can devalue the significance of the loss: for example, we have been moving towards this for a long time (and, unlike the actual acceptance of the fact, this is said only as a small consolation to ourselves)
- 2. Stage of expression of feelings
The stage of expression of feelings is characterized by irritability, anger, anxiety, shame, shame. At this stage, which comes after the first, a person, as a rule, already beginning to feel the reality of what is happening, experiences and lives through all possible negative feelings. Moreover, these negative feelings can be directed both at the departed person and at oneself.
We put this stage in fourth place, although it is present in all the first three stages. It is characterized by constant attempts to find an explanation for what happened, to understand the causes ("thought turn"), an internal conflict (to return or not).
- 5. The stage of admitting defeat is characterized by the search for new ideas, the creation of a new life plan. At this stage, a person reconciles or accepts what happened, the psyche adapts. There comes an understanding that it is necessary to live on no matter what.
- 6. Stage of return to life: an increase in self-esteem, self-worth, a sense of security. At this stage, the person almost fully returns to life. Self-esteem rises, new meanings to live are found. The fifth and sixth stages, as a rule, bear the imprint of compensation, that is, the wound from parting remains, but overgrows. But the main thing is that you still continue to live, and new people, new impressions gradually replace the image of the departed person in your life, in your psyche.
The feelings that a person experiences when he is abandoned is difficult to describe in words, because they are so strong and diverse that it seems that you are completely dissolving, you are being torn apart, the earth is slipping from under your feet and some kind of frantic whirlwind of emotions is circling you - thoughts, feelings, memories... You feel like a small defenseless leaf, which mercilessly plucks a gust of icy wind and carries you into the unknown...
Each person lives the loss in his own way: someone “breaks loose” and hits “all the hard”, and someone closes and “withdraws into himself”.
But there is one common feeling experienced by everyone who finds himself in the place of the abandoned, rejected, lost. This is the feeling of Pain. Deep, heavy, soul-corroding pain. And everyone, sometimes in secret from himself, tries to drown out this pain. In my own way.
Psychologists who have studied this issue have come to the conclusion that the process of living through a difficult separation or loss goes through certain stages that naturally follow one after another. And regardless of whether a person knows about these stages or not, he still gradually passes them. The difficulty lies in the fact that when a person does not know what is happening to him, he can “slip”, get stuck at one of these stages. Sometimes for a long time. After all, it is natural that parting, all the more unexpected, takes a person out of the usual balance, unsettles his usual life, and he experiences severe stress, which makes it difficult to perceive what is happening objectively. When we experience strong feelings, it is really difficult for us to look at everything soberly. This is what complicates and slows down the process of getting out of such a difficult period - life after.
In different sources, these stages (or stages) may differ in names or numbers. But if we summarize different classifications, then we can distinguish five main steps through which a person goes through a feeling of pain after a break in relations with a significant loved one. Having become acquainted with these stages-steps, you can find your “breaking point” or getting stuck, see the “exit point” and move in its direction. After all, when we know the route, it is much easier for us to make our way.
Stage 1. Shock. "Can't be!.."
Everything starts from this stage. On that day, that minute or even the moment when a person learns about an unpleasant event, he experiences a shock, the depth of which depends on the degree of closeness of the lost relationship. As a rule, a person falls into a stupor and for some time plunges into a state where everything that happens around is perceived "as if in a fog." The body can react in different ways: sometimes with a "freeze", sometimes on the contrary with increased motor skills. But the mind always reacts with denial, refusal: “No!!! It can't be!!!"
You can see with your eyes the whole truth, the whole cruel reality of what is happening - here he / she collects things, nervously and hastily throws them into a suitcase, randomly moves around the apartment, goes out and slams the door behind him ... And you stand in a daze, watching this “movie” , and a hammer pounding mercilessly in my head: “No! No! No! No! Nooooo!!!" You can scream from this unbearable pain, rush in despair and try to stop him, but the door slams mercilessly, and the echo inside still sounds: “No ... no ... no ...” Your mind refuses to believe it.
So the psyche is protected from pain, from that deep mental pain that is extremely difficult to survive at the moment. Almost impossible. And then the “immersion” begins: stupor, numbness of consciousness, body, loss of interest and alienation from everything ...
A person can be in this inhibited state for quite a long time. There are many factors here - how close the relationship was, sharply or gradually it was approaching the “day of truth”, how deep the wound of betrayal or the meanness of the partner (if any), how strong was the degree of attachment and dependence on the other (emotional, social, material, etc. .), how mature and independent a person is at the time of the shock, etc.
Deliberate attempts by friends and family to get you out of this state do not bring any result, even if they are very sincere. Sometimes, on the contrary, they can cause an outburst of anger or aggression against the “helper” and lead to even greater alienation and immersion in the problem. This is normal, because others, as a rule, cannot feel the full extent of the importance and depth of your experiences, because they are different. And to the grieving, this may seem like a mockery or mockery. This will continue until the person himself matures and accepts the new truth at the level of consciousness: “Yes, now it is so. Now I'm left alone." This is not easy, which is why it takes time and additional internal strength, which a person simply does not have at the time of loss.
On the part of relatives, adequate help may be a statement that they are nearby, that they are ready to help and support, “just let me know.” It makes no sense to ask the one who has lost “What do you want?” Because the pain in a person’s soul drowns out all other feelings and desires and he really doesn’t want anything. He needs to burn.
And when the “spiritual anesthesia” in the form of shock and denial subsides a little, the person himself begins, gradually, in portions, to let the “new reality” into his life. Begins to get used to living without him/her. This is how you move on to the next stage.
Stage 2. Anger. "Hate you!"
This stage also passes in its own way for everyone, but it is very important that it comes and the person allows himself to get angry. For some, here, figuratively speaking, the “effect of breaking the cork” can occur - a person begins to feel angry at everyone and everything - at a former partner for having betrayed; on himself, that he did not do everything, not enough, or vice versa, for humiliating himself in front of him / her. On a child who constantly reminds "of him"; to my mother, with her "I told you so." On neighbors, on the state, on the sun, on the wind, on the whole world ...
And the person seems to be looking for a reason to, at every opportunity, again “start a record” about his problem. This is normal, because he really has an inner need to "drain all the negativity." He really needs the opportunity to do this, and not to block inside himself. Because unreacted negative experiences, especially a feeling of anger, can be contained inside, and then migrate for a long time, from time to time breaking out in the form of outbursts of anger unexpected for oneself, most often addressed to innocent people. The worst option for the accumulation of anger inside oneself is psychosomatic disorders.
We must allow ourselves to be angry, but do it in a civilized manner, without drawing other people into our experiences, except for those who are sincerely ready to share and help live it. It would be much more honest to ask a friend to listen to your next monologue “and again a song about him”, because you need to speak out, than to pester her with your calls or conversations without voicing her role, and then be surprised and offended that she began to avoid communication.
How can you be civilized? You can focus your strength and energy on some important project and make a breakthrough in your career (by the way, many men, being on the “losing” side, do just that, which is quite reasonable), you can make repairs that you have long dreamed of, but was constantly delayed. An excellent way out of the accumulated anger and aggression will be sports and any physical labor. It is important to really realize: “Yes, I am angry and hateful, but others have nothing to do with it. Therefore, I will find a suitable way to release my aggression.” After all, anger by its nature is a powerful energy, using which you can make a good leap forward.
You can write down your seething feelings on paper - the paper will endure, and you will be incredibly relieved. There is a wonderful technique for this, which I have already written about. Various types of creativity are also suitable, where there is an opportunity to throw out your feelings - drawing, dance therapy (spontaneous dance or movement), modeling, film therapy, fairy tale therapy, etc.
In general, at this stage, any psychological or psychotherapeutic help, which many people very needlessly ignore and underestimate, will be a very good help. At this stage, it is important for a person not only to “get it”, throw out his negative experiences, but the most important thing is to be accepted by others in his complex feelings. And this is sometimes beyond the power of even the best and closest friend, because she is not able to perceive objectively, to maintain an uninvolved position. At this stage, a person really needs external support, so he should be able to pronounce or write out all those angry thoughts that will pop up in his mind from time to time.
Stage 3. Doubts. "But what if?.."
As soon as the steam is a little lowered and the taste of life gradually begins to return to a person, a period of doubt begins. “Bargaining” begins with one’s still wounded and weakened “I”: maybe he / she will still return? .. or maybe not everything is lost yet? .. probably I was / was wrong? behave differently?.. or maybe he did not want to leave at all?.. what if he is waiting for a signal from me?.. Well, he was not so bad / greedy / callous / lazy ... And so on and so on.
Various doubts and soul-searching, all sorts of “what if?.. maybe?..” are the last straw, the last thread between the past and the present. Between the knowledge of how it has already been and the uncertainty "how to live now and how it will be in the future." And while a person grabs at it and tries to hold on, it will seem to him that if he can take control of the situation, then perhaps it can still be corrected. In fact, control can never guarantee results, because control is just an illusion of security, the illusion that everything depends on me, which means that it will be as I want, I just have to try.
The longer a person hides behind this illusion, the slower he moves towards liberation from the shackles of his pain. At this stage, it is important to realize that not everything in the world depends on me, that where two people quarrel and part, responsibility is always divided equally, i.e., in half!
At this stage, reunification attempts often occur. Most often, the drive is sexual desire (body memory). Sometimes the cause of rapprochement can be children or a common territory. Partners can really converge for some time, and it may even seem that all the quarrels and misunderstandings that were before no longer have any strength and meaning. But, as a rule, the sexual fuse passes quickly, and old claims and nit-picking come to the surface, now they sound with even greater force and the relationship quickly turns into a mutual attack, because the pain from the previously caused injury still remains and the unhealed wound begins to “bleed” even stronger. As a result, this experiment fails, causing even more disappointment and resentment in the soul, to which a sense of shame and self-abasement is now added. Realizing that everything was in vain and meaningless, a person begins to "go to the bottom" ...
Stage 4. Depression. "I do not want anything…"
After attempts to get closer to a partner did not give a positive result, a period of “darkness” begins, a person experiences a depressed state, colors fade, interest in everything finally dissipates. This is a period of complete devastation, disappointment in oneself, in other people, trust in the opposite sex disappears, self-esteem drops sharply, a person begins to “run” in an invisible vicious circle from deep feelings of guilt and resentment to incredible self-pity. Here he is overtaken by the eternal dead-end question “Well, why ?!.”
If a person during this period has to perform some social roles, then the level of his energy and productivity is catastrophically reduced. In order to somehow function, many put their lives on pause. There comes a period of dullness and "want nothing." Day after day drags on, appetite may disappear, or vice versa, a nervous “jamming” of inner emptiness may appear. Emotional sensitivity and reactivity increase, spontaneous reactions can occur in the form of tears, breakdowns, tantrums. A person begins to avoid contact and communication with friends and relatives who do not understand what is happening to him - “well, enough already, well, pull yourself together!”. They do not understand, and therefore he again strives into his “hole”, in order to “enjoy” his suffering again and again.
Tired of the endless feeling of dull aching pain inside, a person “decides” not to feel anything, just to live somehow, like everyone else. Sometimes it may even seem that he succeeds. But treacherous memories “about him, about us”, about how good it was, and sometimes how bad it was, no, no, and they will come. And then a new portion of pain burns from the inside and bursts out with tears, a scream, a scream or a silent biting of the lips ... In psychotherapy, this phenomenon is called a “flash-back” (flash from the past), and the pain experienced at such moments eloquently signals that there are still unexperienced and unreleased feelings that yearn for freedom.
Some withdraw into work, terrorizing all colleagues or subordinates with their frenzied workaholism. Or they begin to obsessively take care of children (even if they are already adults and independent), forget about themselves, ignore their needs and practically “put an end to” their personal lives. Why? Because it's scary to be alone with your true feelings, with your resentment and pain. And some find more primitive ways of "feeding" and filling the emotional abyss - they go into weakness, addiction, begin to lead a disorderly and aimless lifestyle, change new partners "like gloves." Why? Because it’s scary to be alone with your true feelings, with your resentment, pain and truth ...
No matter how difficult this period may seem, in fact it is very necessary, it is important to go through it. Because it is this stage that is the lowest critical point of this entire process - experiencing a feeling of pain after a break in relations with a loved one. It is extremely important to make a “total immersion” in the world of your feelings in order to finally “touch the bottom” and push off. Push off, then rise again. Remember how children who are learning to walk - they persistently get up after every fall, no matter what, this is an instinct. So it is with an adult, you need to “fall”, living all your pain to the end, to the fullest, crying out, if necessary, to the last tear. Only when a full exhalation is made, you can take a new breath. But many, unfortunately, "freeze" at this stage for a long time, sometimes for years, sometimes for life. Not the best option when people enter a new relationship, not completely freed from the pain of the previous ones. Both suffer in these relationships - and the one who, running away from the pain of the past, has found a "shelter", and the one who has become a "rescuer".
If a person is not afraid to go through the whole process of “immersion” in the ocean of his emotions and experiences, then it is then that he has the opportunity to push off from the bottom, finally rise to the surface, see the shore and swim to it, find ground under his feet. The most important goal of this period, the stage of depression, is to allow yourself to feel, accept your pain and want to live, understand and admit: “Yes, I am now alone / alone, I feel damn bad, but I want to live on!” Not for the sake of the children, not for the sake of the parents, not for the sake of anyone else, but for the sake of himself. For the first time in a long time, the words “Yes, I’m alone now” sound consciously and no longer make me cringe inwardly in pain. This is the beginning of a new and final stage.
Stage 5. Humility. "Thank you for everything..."
Together with the last drop of self-pity, fear of loneliness and uncertainty about the future, released outside, peace finally begins to come into the soul. Not indifference and detachment, namely calmness, quiet acceptance. Yes, this is my life now. Now everything is different. It's not good, it's not bad, it's just the way it is. When the soul is freed from internal heaviness and pain, from anger and indignation, from hatred and a sense of terrible injustice, it regains the ability to feel, believe, love ...
There is no more condemnation, no anger, you no longer “shrink insides” at the memory of a former partner. You no longer get out of breath if you accidentally run into him on the street, in a crowd, or in the company of mutual acquaintances. Now you have the strength and desire to forgive him. Forgive and let go. Allow yourself to live without it. Only now will your forgiveness be sincere and come from the very depths of your heart. Only now the soul is able to realize and accept all the valuable experience that it received in these relationships. Lesson completed. And you do not need to "squeeze" forgiveness out of yourself, it just is.
A sign of sincere forgiveness from a former partner is a feeling of deep gratitude for the good that was in your life thanks to this person. Not a lie to yourself and a moral favor to him, but a sincere, warm, “Thank you” coming from the very soul. And if a person is able to easily, without fumbling in the catalog of his memory, extract and voice his gratitude to the former, no matter for what, the main thing is sincerely, now his forward movement will not be bound by the fetters of the past. Now it will be easy and free for him. Now he has a place in his soul for new joys, new relationships, new love.
The edge of the transition to a state of gratitude is very thin, barely perceptible, but it is there. It can be seen only if you acknowledge all your feelings, recognize that you can be angry and offended, and at the same time you can rejoice and experience pleasure. Trust in yourself, all your feelings and the most important thing in your life - this is the main condition for moving beyond this line. When you trust your life, it takes you into its caring arms and carries you like a beloved child. And everything starts to change for you. For the better. And love blossoms in your heart again. Sincere, pure love. Love for life because it is beautiful; to yourself, for what you are; to friends, for being there; to my mother, for the fact that she still accepts and loves. To the sun, sky, wind. Love for the former, for the fact that he was in your life. Love, gratitude and humility.
It is humility that becomes the healing medicine for the heart, in which peace is now coming. Your once wounded soul heals, becomes wiser and richer inwardly. Now you know how to be grateful for your past, appreciate the present and begin to look to the future with faith. Now love lives in your soul.
P.S. You can wallow in the past endlessly, wandering between anger, guilt, doubt, despair and anger again. You can long and hard take revenge on the former and prove to yourself that you are worth something, he was wrong. Or you can just look at everything and say to yourself: Yes, the breakup is damn unpleasant and painful, this is the end of one path. At the same time, this is the beginning of a new path. Let me go further!
Walk your path with interest! Trust yourself and your life, it has definitely prepared something wonderful for you!
With love,
Nadezhda Tatarenkova
Family psychologist, coach, art therapist,
symbol drama psychotherapist
